Portrait of a sexual assault

  • Published
  • By Airman 1st Class Jarad A. Denton
  • 28th Bomb Wing Public Affairs
ELLSWORTH AIR FORCE BASE, S.D. (AFNS) --  "I tried to walk away but he was much bigger than me, and I had too much to drink," said an Airman who was sexually assaulted several years ago during a party at a friend's house.

The Airman, who asked not to be identified in this story to protect her privacy, said the assault didn't come from a stranger in a dark alley or a guy she had just met; it came from someone she knew - someone she considered a friend.

Shannon Holstein, the Ellsworth Air Force Base sexual assault response coordinator, said most sexual assaults occur between people who know each other, rather than strangers.

"My friends and I went out to dinner and then came back to his house for some drinks and poker," the Airman said. "One by one, everyone went to bed, including his wife."

Once everyone had gone to bed, except the Airman and her attacker, she decided to go to sleep on the couch. Her attacker cornered her, kissed her and forced her to touch him. She tried to fight back, but was unsuccessful.

"He pushed me into the bathroom, locked the door, kissed me and started taking my pants off."

The Airman tried to push him away and tell him to stop by bringing up his wife, who was asleep in another part of the house.

"Stop saying that," he told her. "My wife isn't sexy anymore, but you're exotic."

He continued to take her clothes off as he told her to be quiet. The Airman continued to fight him, but he eventually succeeded in penetrating her with his fingers.

"He kept trying to make me touch him," she said. "I tried so hard to push him away."

Finally, her attacker stopped and left her alone in the bathroom.

"I didn't know what just happened to me," the Airman said. "I sat there bleeding and in shock. After awhile I got up and opened the door. He was right there."

She said he followed her to the couch and kissed her once more before he went to bed. The next morning, she went home and immediately showered.

"I had to get him off of me," she said.

Looking back, the Airman is still met with conflicting emotions regarding that night and how it turned out.

"It made me feel weak, empty, worthless, dirty and stupid," she said. "Why couldn't I stop him?"

The Airman said the attack affected her more than she wanted to admit. She would shake and shut down every time someone with similar features as her attacker walked by. The Airman also learned to "behave" on dates. She said if her dates would persist after she told him "no" twice, she would give into them.

It's not unusual for some victims of sexual assault to engage in sexually promiscuous behavior due to the prior attacks' effect on the victim's self-esteem, Mrs. Holstein said.

"I figured it was better to be mad at myself for making a bad choice than to go through it all again," the Airman said.

Mrs. Holstein said another effect of sexual assault is victims blaming themselves for the actions of their attackers.

It took the Airman a month before she could gather the courage to report the incident to the police. After such a long period of time it came down to her attacker's word against hers.

"I didn't want to report it because I didn't want to relive it," she said. "When I finally did, I had no evidence anymore; I washed him away."

To this day, hardly anyone knows what happened to the Airmen that night. She has moved on with her life and found a man who treats her with dignity and respect.

"The first night we stayed together he didn't try to force anything," she said. "I realized he was different and he needed to know all of me."

The Airmen still wonders what she would have done differently, if she was given the opportunity to go back and relive the experience.

"I wish I hadn't gotten so scared or I screamed for help," the Airman said. "I wish I had known how to fight him off or gone to the police right away."

She said sometimes she wishes she hadn't gone to the police at all because of the pain and embarrassment it caused her attacker's wife. However, she said if she could confront her attacker again she would want him to feel the pain he caused her.

"It's unfortunate the sexual assault prevention and response program wasn't in place at the time of this attack," Mrs. Holstein said. "If it had been, the Airman could have reported the incident to the SARC without the police or her command knowing about it."

The SARC could've assisted the Airman with free, private counseling services that could have helped her deal with unanswered questions she faced.

"I want to know why he thought he could do that to me," she said. "Did he just want to be unforgettable?"

The Airman said she would also want her attacker to see how happy she is now.

"Even though I'll never forget him, or any detail about him, he didn't win," she said. "He's no longer in control of my life."

Mrs. Holstein said sexual assault is less about physical attraction and more about exerting power and control over another human being.

"An attacker's mindset is generally geared toward preying on someone they consider weaker than themselves," Mrs. Holstein said.

The Airman said her ultimate wish would be for all women to know how to defend themselves.

"If I knew then what I know now about sexual assault, would my story be different?"